Once upon a time long long ago(Well, not that long actually) in a land far far away (well, not that far really) lived a bunch of the most conniving, scurrilous, self serving individuals you are ever likely to have the misfortune of coming across.
These rogues all ruled the land by swapping power between them at regular intervals. They belonged to three tribes, The Blue Tribe,The Red Tribe and The Sunshine Orange Tribe,and these tribes ruled with the absolute certainty that they could never be challenged.
How did they achieve such a remarkable feat? They did so by appearing to give the people choice, but not really giving them any choice at all. Every Four years,or was it Five? Or when the people would get restless, they would call an Election. This Election scam allowed the people to think that It was Indeed the people who chose who ruled over them. In actuality, while the people could choose which Individuals from each tribe that they preferred, it made not an iota of a difference as to who really ruled over them. Because,and here is the Really Clever bit….It Didn’t matter which tribe got the most votes, Red or Blue or even Sunshine Orange haha , for you see, they were really All the one tribe! There was BlueRed, RedBlue, or Confused Orange which didn’t know how much Blue or Red it was. It didn’t really matter, because It had been a very long time indeed since the people had voted to have only Oranges.
These tribes, In order to prove to the people how different they were from each other, would all sit in a big house every day and shout at each other while making ape like noises and jeering the others.
They would have actually thrown their bananas too, but that was banned,due to an unfortunate incident long ago, when a thrown banana had lodged itself in the rectum of an opposition tribe member, while he had turned round and was mooning the opposing benches.(This history is dispute by some, under the protocol of ‘He would say that is how it happened, if you knew him’)
There were also some minor, and some foreign tribes from the Celtic Lands, but they were mostly ignored whenever possible.The Clan of the Thistle was a particularly problematic bunch, because they would never shut up about having equal rights,when everybody else knew that they were only told that in emergency,when the Thistle Clan threatened to take their ball and go home.
It is said that many moons ago, the three main tribes really had been different to each other, but nobody believes this fairy story anymore.
The fable goes that Red had once meant Red, and that Red had represented the working man. The Blues had always supported the upper class,and have never changed. The Orange lot were supposed to be sort of harmless hippies who wanted to hug trees, but over the years while Blue remained Blue, Red had turned more Blue than Blue itself.Orange had also thrown in with Blue, because red was Blue, and Blue was Blue, so Orange wanted to be Blue too.
There was a nasty fly in the ointment though,and It was not a Bluebottle, it was a host of midges. Haggis land to the North had discovered the big deception,and said it wasn’t wanting to play anymore and a really big fish among them had discovered the Cat,and the Cat was well and truly out of the Bag,which in turn set the cat amongst the pigeons. The pigeons in this case turned out to be All the Reds,Blues and Oranges, and they were left flapping their wings and screeching and squawking like a flock of geese, for you see, their goose was well and truly cooked!
Three hundred years earlier Haggis land was forced by a mixture of threat with armies at its borders,and a nice line of bribery to some of its greedy nobles, who had lost a lot of money in a speculative gambling venture in a Panamanian Casino,to go into an equal partnership with Tellytubby land.
Equal partnership did I say? Ha! It was Equal if Equal means Haggis Land helping to bail out Tellytubby land because It was bankrupt from all the fighting it had been doing with all its Froggy neighbours. Bankrupt? It was a Basket case,and actually Haggis Land was ok money wise, it was just some Ignoble nobles who were screwed!
The local Serfs didn’t like it one bit and rioted in the streets like a bunch of Old firm supporters on a Saturday night, after losing to the other lot. But the Serfs had the army set on them,that soon shut them up, well for a short while anyway.
In the intervening years, Haggis land bought into this Blue Tribe/Red Tribe thing quite a treat. Initially they were Blue Tribe because they liked the colour Blue, but then they became almost all Red Tribe. As part of the Equal Opportunities scheme, some had to be relocated to time-shares In Canadian forests to make way for some sheep farming and stag and grouse shooting by the Tellytubby nobles. The Old Clan Chiefs quite liked the idea and joined in the fun,and they all moved South and sent their children to Eton.
Then fortune struck big! Telytubby land had been gambling outwith its means again,and were on the verge of being declared Bankrupt again! When a massive find of Black Gold was found In Haggis waters! Oh such joy!! M25 ring road could be built,and all sorts of nice little ventures like it. All the Haggis people needed to be told was that they weren’t really losing out, and that there wasn’t really very much of it in any case. Oh How we laughed. But somehow the Gnats had caught wind of the fact that there might actually be a lot more than was being said,and started shouting that the Black Gold belonged to the Haggis people. Worse still, a report confirmed it! so it was quickly disposed of, never to see the light of day.
Meanwhile the Red Tribe did their job really well, a masterful con job indeed it was. They convinced the Serfs that Haggis land was being looked after by Tellytubby land, and that Tellytubby land was actually giving lots of money to them! What a bunch of simple minded suckers these Haggis people were.No matter how bad things got, they always voted for Red, and said how well Red looked after them!
Oh yes Red looked after them alright. Red would pat them over the head and say things like ‘Vote for me, I am a monkey’ And the people loved these cute monkeys so much that they voted them in, time and time again, but only as long as they wore a Red Rosette.
The Reds never tired of entertaining them with little games and schemes. Bad Blue, Very Bad Blue, Vote Us , get rid of Blue. So they voted Red and still got Blue! Yahoo. Then they set up Aleos which is short for Loads of Money, but only if You are Red. The games were endless…Make a Lord, make any Lord, make a Red Lord. Then the red Lords played, you didn’t vote for me, but do as yer telt, and gie us my £300 a day spending money. Ooooh What a Blue doo.
Then this damn Big fish comes along and goes and tells them all this, and that Haggis Land isn’t really the Wasteland they were always told it was, but Is actually the Land of Milk and Honey.
Now these Haggis Gnats want their Cake and Eat it…What’s to be done?? TellyTubby Land is Foulked!