You may call me Aunty Pathy, or you may call me what you like, I really don’t give a hoot.
I will occasionally come along and give you my opinion on the price of bread, which is frankly disgraceful these days. But mostly I will just say what I think on anything that comes into my head.
If you don’t like it? Go find another place to park your bum.
Today I was listening to that young upstart Dave Cameron making all sorts of bleating noises, and then someone thought I might like a transcript of his speech to Jock land and it’s peasants .
Why anyone would think such a thing a worthy present I have no idea, I think the thick little turd disnae like me.
However having been given it, I felt obliged to read it, bad mistake, It has given my digestive tracts a bad case of wind ever since. The speech was so full fawning hot air, that it is no wonder Dave’s face looked like he was experiencing trouble suppressing large farts, when he was being questioned.
You could tell by the reaction of others around him, particularly that Ponosonby chap on STY, that he was suffering from Dave’s Silent but deadly gastric emissions, but was too polite to say so.
I would just have been straight and told Dave…You are talking Crap..Now clear off.
However, if I must? I must, talk about this transcript thingy.
Dave began his speech to the heathen Jockos with the words
“Good afternoon everyone and thank you very much for coming.”
Err…Stop right there!!
Where are we?
“It is great to be back in Edinburgh.”
Edinburgh you say? Edinburgh in Scotland? That Edinburgh?
And you are saying ” Thank you very much for coming” .
Just who is visiting who here? And You are welcoming us into our own home?
if you meant anything else by that opening gambit…Sod off toff boy, we were not all that excited to see you!
He want on recount some long past memory of a rugby match between Scotland and England………HAUD IT CHINA …..Have you cleared this speech with the BBC? You mean to say that they have let you talk about a rugby international between Scotland and England Live on TV?
Of course the BEEB are only there to serve you, you can say what you like, when you like, and to whom you like, any time. They even go to France with you!
from rugby he goes on to chatter about some culinary delicacy in a chip shop in Edinburgh called a Humble Pie supper. He seemingly liked the humble pie so much that he had come back to have some more.
Somebody go get this eedjut a pie supper to fill his gob? He is going to show everybody up, with lack of knowledge of the local cuisine. Now where did I put my Chicken Tikka Masala?
Ho Hum on we go “The air in Scotland hangs heavy with history.”
I cannae say I noticed the air hingin with anything, it mostly just pishes doon.
And then he gabbles on about Statues competing for our attention?
“monuments to memories. Walter Scott, Robert Louis Stevenson, John Knox: they all compete for our attention.”
what is this guy oan? He is seeing competing statues of dead guys shoving each other oot of the road? I didnae realise they were using LSD as currency down in England, we got shot of it years ago, did they actually just change their LSD to LSD at decimalisation, nae wonder they cannae recognise proper money when they see it…They are seeing notes of pink elephants in tutus.
If I want to watch statues competing for my attention, I will just take myself off to firhill for a Partick Thistle v Queen of the South match.
Christ knows where he goes next, he is yammering like a demented teenager caught with his pants down.
Here is a very quick run through.
“In Dundee, Captain Scott’s Discovery lies at anchor.
In Aberdeen, King’s and Marischal Colleges remind us of a time when the Granite City had as many universities for its citizens as England had for all of hers.
the hauntingly empty acres of the Highlands stand in mute memorial to the injustices visited on the victims of the clearances
Glasgow’s magnificent architecture and art galleries remind us of the mercantile greatness of the Empire’s second city.”
Let me get this straight, this is actually in defence of the Union?
He has proved he has heard of places called Edinburgh,Dundee,Aberdeen, and Glasgow…. Well done…Now pronounce these words Dave…I’ll write them out for you…Milngavie, Auchtermuchty, Fochabers…Or do they make you come out all a panic in your Breastie? You poor timorous Beastie.
So you are telling us that Scotland was once the home of the Worlds great explorers and scientists.
Aberdeen by itself once was more educated than the whole of England combined
We saw your Eton ancestors using local quislings create cultural genocide and made over the Highlands for sheep.
And once Glasgow was the second greatest city of the British empire,full of artistry and wonderful architecture , before going to rack and ruin under British and Labour watch,and it has taken years to clear the slums and knock down the concrete prison blocks which replaced them.
Are you really trying to convince us that we are better off, when we have gone so far backwards under British rule?
“I am convinced that both for Scotland and for the United Kingdom, our best days lie ahead of us.”
Let me see….another decade or so of this progress together and we might aspire to cave dwelling?
“the United Kingdom is actually even more of an inspiring model for the future.”
Oh..Better than Caves?? Do tell.
“In an increasingly uncertain world, where risks proliferate and atomisation threatens our ability to look out for one another…
Hawd it Hawd it….What is all this about atomisation threatening us?
Did I miss them nuclear subs in the Holy Loch, that we didneae want?
Did I miss you on the BBC news sooking up to that wee short french bloke, and you looking so pleased with yourselves, because you had just done a further deal on sharing with France a whole new pile of Nuclear Industries? Has anyone ever told you about Japan or Chernobyl? Aye its a risk, and you think we are happy with it??
Being tied to your mob gives us much more of it , not none!
nothing encapsulates the principle of pooling risk, sharing resources, and standing together with your neighbour better than the United Kingdom.
Aye.., Us sharing our resources with you, you mean? Tell it like it is!
Whether it is ensuring the same disability benefits for those in need from Motherwell to Maidstone, or ensuring that the resources of 60 million tax-payers stand behind our banking system.
Oh aye, noo that would be the disability benefits you are shredding faster than a threshing machine? Which we have no say over, that kind of sharing? We give, you do what you like with it.
60 million taxpayers bailing out a corrupt banking system where? It wouldn’t happen to be London would it?
Whether in Edinburgh or London, the United Kingdom is a warm and stable home that billions elsewhere envy.
A warm and stable home, what I call a semi detached and you call a mansion?
Have you not seen the world peeing itself at your pretension?
We are living in a ramshackle of a shack with no money, because you are snaffling it all, and the whole bloody Hoose in the UK is crumbling to bits, and we cannae maintain it any more.
“I am a Unionist head, heart and soul. I believe that England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, we are stronger together than we ever would be apart.
For you Aye, you need our wealth, our oil, our gas, our fishing, our whisky, our light engineering, our salmon, our wind and sea potential,our science, our artistry,our education, even our bloomin water!
Undoubtedly we make You stronger, but you make us much weaker, and we dont like your lack of social conscience one bit! A privatised NHS, American model? Only the Rich can afford education? Ghettos in your Cities. Your Separatism from Europe,we want to work with our old friends and neighbours….Who are the Insular Nationalists, not us! But your lot are xenophobes.
It is time to speak out – whatever the consequences – because something very special is in danger: the ties that bind us in the place that we call home. The danger comes from the determination of the Scottish National Party to remove Scotland from our shared home.
Our shared home? You mean Your home, with us living in a Squat attached to it?
The danger is very real for you Dave my lad, otherwise you would not be here in our home, put away your begging bowl…..and be proud, stand on your own too feet, and stop trying to leech of your neighbours.
Do that, and we can get along just fine.
The whole bloody transcript goes on and on like this, talk about pleading on bended knees, he is nearly clinging bawling to our ankles.
If you have the will for such nonsense, I will leave a copy of it lying around.
Now awa wi you, and I’ll have my jam today ta, no a promise of butter when we get our own star fleet and ET comes calling.
I have better things to concern me, like when is my pet grizzly coming home?
I let George out earlier, and he’s awa shittin in the woods again. So if you go down to the woods today, your bound to see a Bear Behind.
where’s my cocoa ?