Alistair..Darling…Please can we make it up ..We were wrong, we really shouldn’t have fallen out of Love with you, and we want to try and make things work…Can we try again please? Pretty please? Hugs and kisses….Scotland xox
And so it was, that Alistair Darling former Chancellor of the Exchequer for the failed Labour UK Government woke up from the LSD inspired dream,(it was rather old currency) in which he had got rather excited, and arose to his full height shouting ” Oh Yes, YES, YES!!” Before belatedly correcting himself and muttering “I mean Oh no, no no”
“But that was rather a good dream” thought Alistair..”I think I can use that for my Blether Together Speech”.
And so it came to pass that Alistair found himself delivering his speech in East Lothian last night, roundly encouraged by three separate groups of Independence supporters who had donned Saltires and We Love London Government T.Shirts, especially for the occasion(At least that is what Alistair thought the T.Shirts said, his eyesight like his mental faculties are not quite as sharp as he thought them once to be)
Greatly encouraged by this rousing reception,Darling.Alistair proceeded to deliver his speech in the form of an Aria in the key of B.Flat.
He didn’t quite begin with the words “I had a Dream” which is possibly just as well, as some music critics would have been commenting that he had a delusion..and the arrangement was rather stilted and flat,but we have to give him half marks for effort,although I do believe that Alistair thought it rather good himself, but lets not be churlish and disappoint him..We think you are wonderful Darling..More More More..Please!
However lets get on with some of the content of his dream speech.
His keynote speech claimed An independent Scotland that kept the pound as its currency will “slowly and surely” return to political union with the rest of the UK, that independence would mean the loss of all British culture to Scotland and would lead to relatives of Scots in other parts of the UK becoming foreigners.
Ahhahaha Alistair…Ever the comedian.
British Culture? Oh my goodness, what on earth is British Culture? It’s a conundrum right? How can we lose something which nobody knows what it is, and doesn’t even exist. There are many cultures and sub cultures in this geographical area we call the British Isles, but nothing that we can describe as British Culture. We Have Scots Culture, English Culture, Irish Culture, and Welsh Cultures, with all their quite separate traditions, and I know you and your best buddy(joke) Big Gordy have tried your best to make Scotland North Britain,and call us North British, but Scots Culture is one of the most recognisable cultures on the planet. Why would we want to even try and reinvent ourselves as something undefinable?
As for my niece in Bristol, are you honestly trying to say she will be a foreigner to me, should we go our separate ways? Indeed my Cousin John in Australia is already a foreigner to me, because he lives outwith the Uk? How and when did this happen??
Ally carried on though, warming to his theme. British music will no longer be ours.
Eh? Whit? I can no longer buy any JLS or Jedward CD’s and don’t have to associate myself with The Brits awards? Yes..Yes..Yes an Independence Bonus I had never thought of. A damnable downside though is that we get to be represented In the Eurovision Song Contest.
Ahh well..Only partly true I am afraid. There is nothing to stop my children buying whatever they like.They already buy musical junk from around the world..I swear I heard somebody playing the Cheeky Girls the other day, and they are from Transylvania and more terrifying than Dracula musically.
Goodness knows..We might be forced to have a proper music industry in Scotland, and our youngsters not having to go to London to be recognised. That is Bad, right?
Further more Alistair warbled on, like a demented canary, by saying “British sporting success will be someone else’s to celebrate”
I really have no idea what Alistair was dreaming here, it is rather obscure in a technicolour sort of way. By removing ourselves from the Union, we are no longer British? We no longer live on the British Isles? We are to be banished from Britishdom? No longer are our Celtic Cousins in Ireland, Wales and Cornwall related to us?
Goodness gracious me..
We will have to make do with calling Andy Murray, Scottish, and he can’t be called British when he wins anymore? We are barred from cheering our neighbours in these Isles on? We will be forced to have a Scottish Olympic squad, like Ireland does?
How awfully terrible a prospect is that? It hardly bears thinking about.
But he is a trooper is our Darling, Darling. And so he carried on..
With regards to SNP plans for Scotland to keep sterling if the country voted to leave the UK in the 2014 referendum,with Scotland part of a “sterling zone” with the rest of Britain.
He had this to say:
“There’s two things about a currency union. One is you have to ask the other lot if they want to go into it and nobody has and nobody plans to. But the second thing is this, with a currency union, as you see in Europe, you have to submit your budget to somebody else for approval.
“So if the idea of independence is you can go your own way, what is point of getting yourself into the situation where you actually have to submit your budget to someone else, who will not let you go too far away from wherever they want to be in order to preserve the currency?”
In short..Alistair feels that Scotland will have no say in the currency union. Funny thing is, I never thought we had any say just now? We have no representation or say in the Bank of Englands Board, which is disestablished from the British Government, and an Independent body.
The Bank of England,which we do actually have a share in, it was established by a Scot too! Independently sets rates, and it is up to the Government currently, to frame its own economic policies. Often to disastrous effect! Ozzy Osbournes long distant relation Gideon is making a right pigs ear with his austerity measures. However, he is merely following in the great traditions of Gordy Brown who put an end to Boom and Bust, by making us Bust. And of course Ally Darling himself, who promised us all greater cutbacks than dear old Maggie had only dreamed of.
An independent Scotland, would have representation on that Bank Board, and we would have a say in setting the rates. Our own Government would then decide it’s own economic framework within that. for example, the current Scottish Governments appeals to Gideon, to create capital investment projects and stimulate growth, but are falling on deaf ears, would become reality in an Independent Scottish Government setting its own policies and making decisions.
Another slight thing the dear old Darling has forgotten about…The Republic of Ireland shared the pound and Sterling right up to 1979..Funny that.
Other things Darling loquaciously garbled were:
“If Scotland stays in the UK, it would benefit from the being part of the “largest and oldest single market” while the financial services industry would continue to have a single regulatory regime”
A market which restricts us to Westminster rules of trade, and doesn’t allow us to set our own corporation tax rates, to further attract Global investment in Scotland at competitive levels. And tied to a Financial Services Industry which nearly put us all in the grubber because of Brown disastrous handling of regulation. Sounds a good deal to me Ally.
“An independent Scotland would not have the global influence of the UK”, Mr Darling said. “Britain is “very influential in the world”, he added. “We’re shareholders in the International Monetary Fund. We’re on the United Nations Security Council. We’re major shareholders in the World Bank”
A Union takes more than just one partner. If that partnership is dissolved, Each takes away their own share of ALL assets. Thereby our shares are divided..and Scotland retains its own shares in these establishments.
He continued on in his joyful merry way, by saying “Within the European Union (EU), it is the “big countries that have the influence and call the shots”
“We now find out that far from having legal advice that we would be guaranteed membership, no such advice exists at all. Frankly that’s not good enough. I’m pretty sure that Europe would not say to Scotland, ‘push off we don’t want to know you’. But if you apply or your entry is in any way questioned, there would be strings attached. More uncertainty.”
It’s a funny old thing, Alistair dear boy, but is Westminster not threatening to isolate the UK from Europe? And our European partners try to avoid us at all costs, and keep us out of the loop because of this Westminster Governments behaviour, while routinely giving Scottish MEP’s a very warm reception,and even an ovation or two.
Scotlands representation in the European parliament is 6 MEP’s, on Independence that increases to 12-14 MEPs, double our current representation, and decreasing the rUKs at the same time. It is a rather funny way for us to have less influence, is it not?
As far as current ability to speak is concerned, our voice is not easily heard, particularly in Fishing, where we in Scotland have the largest White Fish Fleet in Europe, but the British Government refuses to allow our fisheries minister to enter into quota negotiations..Damaging us badly. That’s a Union Dividend? Cool.
As for European membership…You obviously are as out of touch as your pal Gordy, who rarely turns up at Westminster these days, while he is away earning a nice wad doing turns at talking to anyone in the world who is daft enough to listen to him.
But in case you didn’t notice? Prof Avery a European High Commissioner told Westminster recently that Scots have been Citizens of Europe for forty years, and there is no mechanism for turfing us out!
Not that they would want to anyway…But good news! rUK get to not have to reapply either, under the same rules…
And finally the dear old Darling finished his Aria, by doing a somersault…Wow…really Impressive! We didn’t expect that.
He had begun by singing, if you recall
“An independent Scotland that kept the pound as its currency will “slowly and surely” return to political union with the rest of the UK”
and he ended with
There would be “no going back” if people voted for independence. He said: “They only have to win once. Once that has happened there is no opportunity for second thoughts.”
Wonderful! Bravo Bravo! More More!
To rapturous Applause in his own head, he took a bow and exited the stage.
What a Man!
Ally Darling then contently made his way home to dream again, and to play his favourite British Song, by the North Britisher Frankie Miller..
I’m feeling pretty lonesome
I’d call you on the phone some
but I don’t have a dime
you’re so far behind me
tomorrow’s gonna find me
further down the line.
Takin’ me some paper
pencil in my hand
I’m gonna write.
you know I feel the cold nights
thinking of the old nights
spent along with you.
the tear is in my eye now
knowing I can try now
to make it back to you.
love you more than ever
wish we were together
darlin’ of mine.
Sweet Dreams Ally Darling
Note 1: Thanks to Andrew Haddow for finding this..Blows Darlings ludicrous Foreigner statements clear out of the water!!
UK Gov…Republic of Ireland legislation 1949
Note: LSD stands either for Old Sterling Currency..Pounds, Shillings, and pennies….But may also be a hallucinogenic banned substance