Doctor Doom rose wearily up to the podium one last time, to tell the masses the Great news, the Positive Case for the Union had at last been found.
He raised his darkened eyebrows, and peered through his glasses, under his thick white mane of hair, and began to monotonously drone excitedly.This being a louder faster paced drone than his usual droning.
The weary look of resignation which he had worn so well, and to such great effect, when intoning about the disasters awaiting Scottish Independence had born fruit into an expression of ultimate Doom.
You are All Doomed, Dooomed I tell you! We have seen the future together, and it is indeed Better! Damn All of you who should have doubted Project Fear….ahem Better Together..
We have indeed seen the future…And the future is not Orange, not even with sashes. Nor is it Brown…curse the name! No…It is far far gloomier than that….It Is……It Is…It Is….
(stage whisper to Cameron….err what is it? )
It is …. The Grand Vision of perpetual Tory Rule! Yes It is!! Rejoice!!!
You the minions..err people of Ukadia need never vote again.. There shall be an end to All the unnecessary postal rigging ..umm postal votes.. There will Only be ONE party….The Tory party. Rise up and rejoice, only do so quietly.
Red or Yellow or Pink or Blue, we shall have a rainbow of Toryism across Englands Green and pleasant land, so there is no need to vote in our new state of Ukania. You shall have Tory wherever you go.
The region formerly known as Scotland is No more! We are all better together…you may be broke, you may lack jobs, but think on it as a positive… You shall simply have to do our bidding, turn up at the job centres at the allotted time, and we shall do the rest!
You will have all the hours our Saint Margaret promised you for leisure. You may not have any money to spend on it, but who needs money, when we your Betters have it all.
Your hospitals are safe with Ukadia, we shall rid you of the pestilence of them, and we promise you that you shall pay to be sick! That will soon put an end to these awful malingerers.
All our threats and scare stories ….err warnings ….of what would happen to you, should you have chosen the dreaded Independence, you are now completely free of…Is that not the best of news?
You will not have to fear the Border posts, you will not have to worry about being in the EU, now that we have removed you from it. Down with the EU…..Boo Hiss…
We have got rid of these pesky human rights things…So you have no Rights to worry you.
You can keep your broadband, for the parts of the country which actually has some.
Your Royal Mail is Post History, and Further Education will only cost you a mere £9000 a year, cheap at half the price, but unfortunately we will still have to raise it a bit yet, to say £15,000 per annum…there are still too many of the undesirables somehow getting into the system, and must eradicated.
The Best news yet…..The Jam tomorrow we promised you…. It has arrived on time.
Here is the pot of jam right here in my hand, to be shared out equally among you, So do not say that we don’t keep our promises.
UKadia is doing extremely well, and we still rule the waves, We have the best economic deficit in the world, nobody can touch us on the massive scale of debt that we have, and better yet,this will continue as our main growth industry for the next two decades at least.
We sit at the worlds top table, we have a voice, and everyone listens very politely to us.
Unfortunately there is not much money in the sheep Industry any more, so we will have to ask those still living in the Highlands to relocate, as we have great plans for turning the most northern part of North Britain into a Country sized Theme park, with more Golf courses for our Best Friends. Those living in the Central Belt can still gain employment by Fracking off ….Better Togethers main donor has promised extensive Fracking opportunities to extract the methane between Glasgow and Edinburgh.
We have addressed the problems of the defence budget by cost cutting measures, and the Scottish regiments are now surplus to requirements, having successfully withdrawn from Iraq and Afghanistan… So no need to maintain these units any longer.
Trident will of course remain, as the ultimate deterrent against any suicide bombers, or home grown insurgents such as the CND.
With the Labour party now having rid itself of these pesky unions, I an delighted to announce that there is absolutely no further deterrent to the stated aim of One Party and One Nation. We in the Ruling Committee have thus decreed, that party membership will be obligatory for all, and your ID cards will shortly start to be processed.
We promise to clamp down hard on Crime, and stiff sentences will be handed out to those not abiding by the ONE PARTY rules… Any dissent, will be met with the most severe of censures and crime will not pay.
Those who are in any sense alive, will have to pay their way, and only the Dead shall be exempt from workfare, but only If accompanied by a certified Death certificate. After all, one does not wish to be a responsible citizen going to slavery, to discover that those who are merely playing dead are skiving off. There will always be some unfortunately who will take any unfair advantage that they can….this is not tolerable… We are ONE Nation, One Party, One People, and we are in it Together, for the Better.
I thank you…. I thank you….I thank you…
The positive case for the Union…We are Better Together, what more could one ask?