Today I have been in conversation with Shuggie McHumblebottom the editor and lead writer of the “Scotland Is Shite” online publication.
I asked him first off what inspired him to write so copiously as he does?
Shuggie: Well first off I am a Proud Scot and I really want Scotland to do well in this increasingly uncertain world and it concerns me greatly how many divisive people are among us demanding a second Independence referendum. We really cannot have these Separatists dividing us from our heritage. Every true Proud Scot should be proud to be British. It is absolutely unthinkable that they should want to remove the Britishness from us, how could we possibly survive without the Fleg and the Queen and the BBC news? Outrageous I tell you! If you are a real Proud Scot you have to be British, otherwise we have nothing to be proud of because Scotland is shite, and it is my duty and responsibility to remind them all daily how woefully shite Scotland is.
On Mondays…It is education…. Scotlands education is increasingly shite
On Tuesdays…It is health…. More people are dying every day..it cannot go on
On Wednesdays..It is transport…. you cannot get a decent Uber Taxi in Auchentoshan ..disgraceful
On Thursdays…It is Brexit….We must remain In, Out,In, Out, and shake our booties all about and do the hokey cokey…these Scots want to remain In..and that is awful! Foreigners out!!!
On Fridays..it is the economy… Have you any idea how awful Scotlands economic performance is? In the last reporting quarter we reported that Scotlands economy was failing so badly that it was going into recession, and guess what… It was only the British economy and our shared working that prevented another catastrophe.
The British Economy is crawling forward into growth…It grew by 0.5% fantastic news….but the Scots economy….oh dear…just awful… it grew by 0.8% while England was a credible 0.2% ..We just cannot continue these Scots preventing us winning the race to the bottom….It is just not British.
On Saturdays and Sundays… I spend all my time sending out new stories for press releases from Labour and the Conservatives to pass onto the press, to pass onto the BBC …..I tell you my work is never done.
I see Shuggie that you are an Incredibly busy man with an astounding work ethic. Now can I ask you to compare and contrast how you think Scotland compares to the rUK in these matters you have highlighted?
Shuggie: Certainly I would be delighted to.
On Education for instance do you know that this dreadful Scots government refuses to charge appropriately for students taking Higher education and University courses? That is inexcusable, it merely allows those from the peasant class to learn, and that we cannot be having! It threatens the correct order of things, only those who can afford to pay should be accepted. We cannot have riffraff getting above their station and asking akward questions, that would never do. The only fit place for them is smoking weed and being benefit cheats.
The British government have it spot on….. fees of £9000 and more per year means that my boss Mr Fattercat is spending less of his non earned earnings and the pittance he has not been able to avoid on tax in paying for the drongos educational upkeeep.
Can you imagine what anarchy would ensue if the Nats had a Separatist State? The unwashed in the rUK would be rioting at what Westminster does! No No No…. Keep the thick Scots dumb and compliant we say.
On Health, Scotlands health record is wonderfully woeful it really is, we are incredibly proud of our achievements in maintaining the Class divide here.
Do you know that because of our efforts we have succeeded spectacularly well in this area. It was not done without a well coordinated (strictly unofficial) joint operation by the Labour and Tory parties over a considerable amount of years. But we have succeeded way beyond anyones expectations. Scotlands Health in the correct places is truly wonderfully awful.
Do you know that Scotland has 5 areas in the worst areas for health in whole of the UK, with average male life expectancy in Glasgow Calton as low as 54 years, It saves an absolute fortune in pension payouts I can tell you. These for decades were Labour areas, and it is somewhat worrying to see these figures on life expectancy begin to rise.
Of course Thatchers Government set the gold standard for destroying these pesky traditional Industries which resulted in generations happily never having to do any work and encouraged them to smoke more and drink much more Buckie and have a nice Spliff to keep them happy. And the wonderful Blair New Labour carried on this important work too. Unfortunately this all meant a rise in the welfare bill which is not acceptable and measures put in place by the Conservatives have sought to rectify it by reducing all and removing previous benefits, and kill a few of these undeserving poor off.
Recent figures have shown this is now working well where Scotland’s “appalling” record on child health has been exposed in a major study as among the poorest in western Europe. Marvellous absolutely marvellous, terrific Scotland is shite. Do you know The State of Child Health – Scotland report found more than 210,000 children live in poverty, 28 per cent are overweight or obese, and around 400 die each year in Scotland – with a significant number of deaths potentially avoidable. Very encouraging indeed….See what being British can help you achieve.
Worryingly while NHS England is being sold off piecemeal to deserving benefactors the devolved NHS Scotland is getting better all the time and considered the best in the UK….this will never do… we shall have to reduce their block grant even further.
Thank you very much for your patience….. Part 2 of my chat with Shuggie will be available in the next couple of days.